Many of us sense a need to operate others. We want others to see things and do things our way. Shostrom (1968) described some types of manipulators:
1.The dictator: wants to operate others by orders, i.e. By virtue of his/her authority, position, status, or rank. Such a man believes he/she knows what is right and what you should do.
Logic Controller
2.The weakling: controls or defies authority by using his/her weakness, sometimes in remarkable ways, such as "Oh, I forgot," "I didn't understand," "I just can't do it," or "I'm so nervous." This is passive-aggressiveness.
3.The calculator: sees the world as a contest of wits. He/she is constantly plotting, conning, pressuring, persuading, selling, seducing, or trying to outwit others.
4.The clinging vine: wants to be cared for, dependent, submissive, and faithful. As a helpless, grateful, cuddly child, he/she gets others to do a lot for him/her.
5.The bully: uses his/her anger, toughness, viciousness, and threats to intimidate others and get his/her way. The "tough guy" and "the bitch" are common characters.
What can you do about being manipulated?
In my counseling practice, I advise that my clients first identify what is happening and second, stand up for your rights. Think and determine for yourself Before you vocalize yourself. Build your self-esteem so that you are not overly dependent on others. You can verily accomplish this by taking baby steps, one step at a time. Pick out one small thing that you will stick to you guns about, and then do that.
But be aware that when you begin to change you, and you need to know that this is about changing you rather than the other party, the entire dynamic of the relationship changes. There is a shifting of power in the relationship between the two of you, and don't be suprised if you meet with resistance from the other party. They may use guilt, names, ask what's wrong with you, anything to change the dynamics back the way they were.
The safest and healthiest way to deal with man who is controlling you is for that man to identify that there is a problem and seek counseling. However, in reality, this rarely happens. Citizen commonly avoid change unless the consequences of their behavior outweigh the fear of change.
What if you are the manipulator?
Controllers or manipulators use five basic methods of persuading or influencing others (Kipnis & Schmidt, 1985):
(1) carefully stating the reasons and logic for changing,
(2) assertively reminding and urging man to change,
(3) soliciting others to maintain your proposals,
4) going over someone's head to get maintain from "higher ups," and
(5) working out a deal so you get part of what you want.
Naturally, different manipulators use different methods. I have found they commonly break down into the following categories:
(1) the "steam rollers" go for broke and aggressively use all the methods--they won't take no for an answer, and may even threaten, shout, and demand. I had a short relationship with a man who would shout, demand, intimidate, and keep you awake all night until you gave in to his point of view. Of course he would apologize (go into the honeymoon phase and try to woo you back) and promise to go into counseling. That never happened. When I realized the pattern, I plainly waited until he had gone to work in the morning and moved. But even that did not end his attentions. It took calls to the local police agency where he lived, and the assurance of an assistant police chief friend of mine in my new location to put a stop to the harassment.
(2) the "rational ones" rely only on hard facts, logical analysis, faithful plans, and compromise. The compromise is always yours and not theirs!
(3) the "pleasers" actively persuade others by contribution "pay offs," flattery, and personal charm, and
(4) the "onlookers", who mostly stay out of the controversy. How you say, is this manipulation? The onlookers let man else do the dirty work for them.
In a second study, Schmidt and Kipnis (1987) found that the "steam rollers" got the lowest job evaluations, contrary to what is taught by some company Schools. Male "steam rollers" were disliked even more than female "steam rollers," contrary to the common belief that pushy women are the most resented. The man that I mentioned above was a exquisite example of this: passed over some times for a management position with the club he worked with. Sexism does occur, however, when you ask, "Who got the best job evaluations?" "Rational" men and "Pleaser" or "Onlooker" women! Conclusion: men's ideas and women's quiet pleasantness are valued, not women's ideas nor men's pleasant passivity.
Pay attention to what methods you use to work on Citizen in different situations. Consider the possible advantages of using the rational approach. Nasty aggressive tactics can put others down while soft tactics may put you down. Practice relating to others as intelligent, inexpensive equals and in a manner where both of you can be winners.
The manipulations described above involve conscious, overt operate (requesting, persuading, buying off, threatening) or conscious-to-the-controller but hidden-to-the-victim operate (deception).
Beier and Valens (1975) identify a third kind of control--unaware control.
Neither controller nor controlee perceive the purpose or goal (like in "games"). The authors say unconscious operate is the most common, powerful, and efficient control. Many forms of unaware operate are learned by young children: cuteness, weakness, illness, fear, anger, sadness, goodness, giving, love, etc. These acts and feelings can all be used to subtly work on others.
For instance, I have a client who came to me when her children threatened to have no supplementary sense with her. She was a prime manipulator. She took the role of "victim", appearing weak and helpless to get things done for her. But after one of her children would take on the task she wished to get done, she'd operate the process from starting to end. On one occasion, it hurt her pocketbook. She had put her house on the shop (3 months after she had moved into it after having it built). She built the new house because she could not stand to stay in her current house that she had built with her husband 6 years before his death. She sold it at a huge loss, even though her husband did not die at home. The new house never sold, even though it was a beautiful home in a high growth area. Wonder why? Because she would not allow realtors to show her home when she was not present. She would accompany the possible buyers on the entire tour, not allowing them to open closet doors on their own, and regaling them with tales of her late husband. She'd even cry before the tour ended. Citizen were so uncomfortable, they couldn't wait to get out of the house.
How did she ever sell her house? She did not want to stay in her hometown with her own friends, and insisted on exciting cross country with her adult children, leaving her house empty and on the market. She soon sold her new house at a loss. After she had moved cross country with her adult child, who told me that they bought a larger house than necessary to allow her the privacy of her own bedroom and bathroom, she decided that her daughter in law did not like her and needed to be rescued by a niece who allowed her to move in with her family. Of course, that only lasted a few months as well. Her story goes on and on, the pattern never changed. It had worked quite effectively for her for many years. Only on threat of banishment, did the woman find a counselor.
There is obviously no quick, known defense against this control, because we don't know what is happening or how. Is there any defense at all? Yes, learn how to detect the subtle control, then extinguish it by preventing the payoffs. It can be done.
Here are the steps, suggested by Beier and Valens, for avoiding "unaware control."
(1) become as detached as possible so you are able to witness the interaction (with the controlling person) as objectively as possible. Sometimes it is efficient to pretend you are observing from a distance.
(2) witness the effects, i.e. Note the results of your interactions, and assume that anything happens (especially repeatedly) was the unconsciously intended outcome. If you got mad...or felt guilty...or gave them a loan, assume that was the other person's unconscious intent. Don't be mislead by the person's words or "logic," don't try to form out what made you talk the way you did, just note what pay offs the other person's actions and/or feelings lead to.
(3) Disengage from the relationship--stop responding in your usual, controlled-by-other-person way. Be understanding, not angry. Listen, but don't recovery him/her. become passive unyielding to the controller then, witness his/her reaction to your non-response. For instance, my husband has a very manipulative adult daughter who lives over country. We do not hear from here unless she needs something or there is a problem. These problems comprise things like not leaving the house for almost 2 years to get a job, instead depending upon friends, boyfriends, and house to maintain her. I received a up-to-date phone call from her and listened to her chat about her life. Then she began the subtle manipulation. She told me that she verily needed to move because they were staying with someone else family, and she was only 0.00 short to be able to move into a townhouse. Of course, this townhouse was much larger than needed for one adult and one child, who by this time have no furniture of their own. She told me that she didn't want to disappoint her daughter again. I listened patiently with the suitable responses, and ended the conversation by wishing her luck in working it out. She had never verily come out and asked for the money. She was just accustomed to the outcomes when she was previously rescued. This is a prime example of not responding to the manipulation.
(4) Next is the key step: now, instead of giving the old manipulated response or no response, give a new surprising response that does not go along with what the manipulator expects (and unconsciously wants) but does not threaten him/her either.
Example: suppose a man (child, spouse, boss) gets attention and status by being nasty and yelling. You could start responding differently by plainly saying, "It's good to express your feelings." You give no argument, you show no fear of his/her long verbal abuse, and you make no concessions and don't cater to his/her whims.
(5) Give him/her space--just let the other man find a new and better way to interact with you. You should not try to become a controller of the other man and tell him/her what to do instead. Be free to experiment with different styles of interacting with this person.
Problems with boundaries and being controlled? Is operate ruining your relationship? Help is available!
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